A Letter To Heaven

Dear Dad,

Today isn't any "special" day really.  Its not your birthday, or Fathers Day, or even Valentines Day.  Its just a regular day here on the farm, but my mind...my heart is wanting to talk with you...to give you a hug.

You see, the other day someone sent us girls an idea for a pillow.  A little boys daddy had left and went to heaven, just like you did dad.  His mother took a shirt that his daddy wore.  She stuffed it to look like a pillow.  It was a flannel shirt with buttons down the front and a pocket on one side.  It was of colors blue, white, yellow and orange.  It reminded me of the shirts you use to wear.  On the front that mother had pinned a note and on it were these words:   "This is the shirt...I used to wear...And when you hold it...I'll be there"   Love Dad xxoo

Sometimes when you are a "little person" you don't always see the love in your fathers heart.  You don't always understand why they tell you "no".  You don't see the tears shed for you, the sacrifice, the prayers given.  You don't always understand life in the "big peoples" world.  But when you become a parent yourself, you see life all together differently.

I remember setting at the kitchen table one evening for supper. We girls all three were in school at the time.  There we sat, all eating something good that mother had made, making small talk.  One of us girls brought up the subject of "getting an allowance".  We said  " When are we going to start getting an allowance like our friends do at school"?   I remember you were setting there, kind of bent over, eating quietly.  You cleared your throat and in a quiet but firm voice you said "You girls are the richest girls in that school, and I want you to remember that." We never did get our allowance like our friends but yes dad you were right. We were the richest girls in school. I see it so plainly now.

So many times I catch myself wanting to tell you how I really feel, to give you one more hug.  But I can't so I'm going to tell you in this letter why I feel so rich.

My life with you started out a bit different than some.  The reason being you became both my mother and father because my mother went to heaven that day I was born.  You were faced with that hardship of bring me home without my mother by your side.  I have pictures of you holding me.  You were in bib overalls.  Sometimes they were dirty, and I know by the look on your face that you had put in a long day in the field.  But still you had time to hold me.

Someone told me once that they had spent a night at our house...yours and mine.  I had cried a lot of the night.  Our guest remembers coming down the old stairs in the morning, and there you were patiently walking the floor cuddling me and talking tenderly to me.  I know you would of put in a full days work in the field later.  After all you were a farmer. 

There is one thing that I can not feel...that you did feel.  I can't feel it because I have never had to face it.  That is the pain your poor heart must of felt every time you looked into my face.....and you would remember.  Dad I am so ashamed that I didn't understand.  You must of shed many a tear behind closed doors, only seen by God,  I am just so thankful you received the strength you needed, those many years ago.  The strength to keep me in your young strong arms and close to your loving heart.

I know that this has happened to other little girls and boys, but when you are the baby, it makes you realize really how special you are.  I was never able to tell you how much it meant to me that you loved me so.  You were a quiet, private man and wanted no praise for yourself.

There was something else very special you did for me.  Something that showed you concern for me.  That happened in the cold month of January when I was close to two years old.  You found a beautiful "new" mother and brought her home to me.  Love looks beyond your own pain and seeks what is best for another.  You did just that.  I hope from the bottom of my heart that life became a little easier for you.

You chose a wonderful woman.  She took me as her own.  Never once did I feel "different".  I always felt loved.  Because of your unselfish choice I was not alone in the world.  I shared my childhood and adulthood with two wonderful sisters and a special little brother.  Glen took such tender care of mom and us girls at your funeral.  I fell in love with that little brother, all over again.

Do you remember that DVD Sandy and John made for all of us on our last "cousin get together"?  I get it out often and memories flood my heart.  In it I watch you grow from a strong young man to a wise, quiet, kind old man, bent over from old age and hard work on our farm. 

At the end of the DVD we all told of our "special memories"  I can still hear your voice and see you setting there in that chair.  You were so happy that day...there with your brothers and sisters and all of us.  You would set quiet. with a smile on your face, or sometimes you would laugh at something funny,

I remember what you told us that day.  You told a funny little story and then you looked up, your poor old back was bent, you raised your hand and pointed to all of us and said:  "And where would we all be today if those two preachers hadn't walked into my folks yard many years ago.  I mean....well that's all I'll say"  You had to stop because you couldn't go on.

I know you loved us in your own quiet way.  I never remember the word "love" passing between us...but sometimes you don't need words.  You just know.  Like the few times you had to correct me by talking to me.  I know it hurt you as much as me, because of the look on your face and the tears in your eyes.

I remember that day I said "I do" to a new life and a new husband.  I was leaving home for the first time....and for good.  I looked back at you and mom standing there outside that back door watching as I ran down the sidewalk beside my husband.  You were standing there with tears rolling down your cheeks.  I knew...I was loved.

Well dad, I know I haven't wrote down everything.  All the times you and mom helped my husband and I as we started our own little farm.  I know that I will never know all you have gave for me.  But I do know how much I really had, because you were my dad.  Your love for God gave me stability.  I can share in so many good things because of you. 

So I just hold your "flannel shirt pillow" close and whisper "I love you dad now and for always.

                                                                  Your Daughter