God Knows

I have been asked quite a few times:  "How did you learn to write?"    "Did you go to college or something?"  My fast answer to both questions is,   "No. I didn't even like high school, except for the "fun" I had."

But....you know I have given those two questions more thought as of late.  I have changed my answer.  "Yes, I did go to college, just not the one with all those big buildings, dorm rooms, and huge classrooms with a professor standing down in front.  In my college, I didn't learn to be a doctor, a nurse, an engineer, or a teacher.  In my college, I learned to forgive and to forget.  I learned how to say good bye to grudges.  I learned how to break down walls and let love and compassion flow into my heart.  I learned to accept myself and be thankful for the place God has put me in.  I learned to see the beauty all around me, and be thankful for all things, even the smallest little thing.  I learned how to choose to think positive and to speak positive.

Do you know what?  I will never "graduate"!!  I will always be going to this college!!  Yes, I'm enrolled for a lifetime. 

I always use to think that I hated school.  I didn't appreciate studying.  But you know what?  I LOVE this school!!!  There is something around every corner.  I feel humbled when I say "this college has no tuition."  It is free to me because of the love and grace of God and the willingness of others to be used for my benefit.   For this I am eternally thankful.

I don't receive a 90%,  a 30% or a 50% grade.  I just get this happy feeling, or a peaceful feeling, or sometimes an uneasy or nervous feeling.  Sometimes a prayerful feeling or a feeling of deep concern.  This is how I'm graded. One of the best things about my college is that I'm the only student in  my class.  Lots of times it is just God and me.

My "classrooms" are a number of different places, and I love them all.  There is a special "spirit" in each one, a special lesson just for me.  God knows just what I need to become strong enough to face whatever is in my future.  Everyday He teaches me to trust just a little bit more.

Sometimes there is a feeling of uneasiness inside of me that just can't be quieted. A worry or concern.  When this happens I love to go out under the big open skies.  Sometimes I get busy.  I love to load up our weed whip with its tree blade and head to the pasture.  I can spend hours out there cutting little trees and piling them up. Smelling the fresh air, feeling the wind on my face, and the freedom of the open space just settles me down.  The thought comes to me,  "I made all of this that you see...so trust Me."

Sometimes I choose just to set.  Set out on the hillside, there in the grass, my legs bent at the knees and my arms wrapped around my knees.  I just set there, looking west as another day comes to a end.  I listen...a meadowlark calls to me from somewhere in the grasses.  I look off into the distance.  I see pasture grass waving in the breeze, a creek bed winding here and there with trees along its banks.  A old barb wire fence held up by hedge post, a worked field.  On and on my eyes roam while setting there in my "hillside" classroom. 

The sky turns a crimson red and orange as the sun is gone from sight, painting the tips of small clouds a pale pink.  Out of no where comes the call of a lone coyote, my beautiful "call of the wild."  Still I set as darkness falls around me now.  The first star appears in the darkening sky and I make a wish.

Sometimes if I'm out there on the right night, the full moon rises up behind me.  That big bright ball of yellow is my friend.  Something about its soft romance light just makes me cry.  It makes everything around me look so at peace...even my heart.

Sometimes my classroom is right here in my own home, and my grandchildren are my professors.  Their simple acceptance of me, of their parents, or life itself, is so touching.  When they reach up and put their little hand in mine...so trusting. 

I have always been a grandma that would worry if I had the right things for them to play with when they would visit.  Of course this would bring an unrest.  Well the other day I was asking them what they would enjoy doing or playing with when they visit at Christmas.  This is what they told me:  "Grandma, don't worry so much, we just love to be with you.  We love to ride with Grandpa on the tractor and help you do your chores.  We love playing with our cousins.  We have fun just being at your house."  So in this "classroom" I learned you don't have to get a lot of things to have "fun".  They just want to be close to you, swim in the old stock tank, or have fun in the snow, or slide on the ice with Grandpa, or take a snow ride on the old tire behind the four wheeler, little cheeks all red and rosy, hot cocoa waiting in the warm kitchen.

Have you ever laid in bed at night with your window curtains open?  All is dark around you. You lay in the quiet and  all of a sudden you hear a low rumble in the distance.  The lightening lights up the sky, then another clap of thunder...on and on it goes until it fades away in the distance.  Have you stepped outside after a rain storm?  The sun is just peeking out from under the cloud.  It turns the clouds a dark blue and tints the tree tips with yellow and gold.  Overhead spreads, in a perfect arch a bright beautiful double rainbow.  You can make out its colors there in the clouds. God's perfect creation, and one of my special "classrooms". 

Then there is the class I take late at night after my husband is fast asleep.  I love to get my portable CD player.  I plug in the earphones and put in a CD of hymns.  I turn it on low and there I lay, all still and quiet, soft  music playing in my ears and beautiful reassuring words filling my mind and heart.  It calms me. It comforts me until I fall asleep all wrapped up in its beautiful sound.

The last "classroom" that I am going it mention is the hardest one for me to take.  It is the hardest, not because it cost me,  No--- not at all.  It is the hardest because I know it comes at a great cost to another. In a way I hesitate to say much about it, because I can't believe another person is willing to let me set beside them in this "classroom".  I enter this classroom with a deep heartfelt respect.  A lot of times I leave this classroom in tears and a heart full of compassion.  This classroom comes to me through Facebook, or another person's beautiful blog, or just a personal visit. 

Because of an experience my dear friends and neighbors would not have chosen, I have the heart wrenching privilege of walking beside them in their long, trying journey.  I can not put into words what this journey beside them has done for my poor heart.  The only thing I can say is that it has made me feel so small.  It has taught me that sometimes words aren't necessary.  Just having a friend to hold your hand, or an arm thrown around your shoulder.  I have learned the wonderful feeling of praying for someone I didn't even personally know.  I pray for them because I feel their hurt, their pain.  When you pray like this, it does something in your own heart that words cannot explain.    I know the joy when my friend hears those beautiful words "my cancer is in remission"  I feel the joy at the simple words "my hair is growing back"

So see my friends, I do go to college. And, like I said, I will never get out.  You may think that I have always been a positive, uplifting person.  Please don't feel bad for me when I tell you this next statement.  I wasn't always a positive and uplifting person.  I have to tell you that it was only three years ago that for some reason God reached down and helped me to let go of old grudges and broke down walls so love and gratitude could flow in.

It is kind of like a little plant.  You can watch it grow everyday and not see a difference.  But deep in the ground where no one else can see, a work is being done. little by little.  A work is being done so my heart can sing, and my pen can write.