Authors Note: I have decided to share "the other side of me" with you. I have decided to share it because I know first hand what it is like to live in a world that holds you in the negative about everything. The world of your own mind, where fear rules. Just being around me or talking to me, you would never guess that I held all this fear, and negativity inside me. No I would smile, I would appear to be calm and happy. I chose to hide my fear, to cover it up from others because I was ashamed. I didn't want others to know how I felt inside. I wanted to appear "perfect."
But now I don't care. It is time to share. By the help of a miracle, I have come out from under this horrible grip of fear, out from under letting someone make me feel worthless, not only to others but also to God. I will tell my story only because sometimes if you are honest you can help another. Somewhere out there you may be just like I was. Somewhere out there you may be wondering, waiting for a miracle. You may be just like I was, wondering if one will ever come along for you.
Well I don't know if it will. I don't know why mine did. But because it did, I want to share my story. I am ready. It makes me very nervous to write this. In the back of my mind I hear a voice say, "Maybe you should keep it to yourself. Maybe you shouldn't tell the world about you fears." Well maybe I shouldn't but I remember the time that I hoped someone, anyone, would tell me that there was hope of overcoming this horrible fear. So I'm here to hold out hope to someone who may read this. But I am writing this authors note first so that if you do not want to read this you will stop here. Here is my story.
My unforgettable year.....2016. The year that I grew up. The year I let go. The year I really understood what it meant to trust. The year I learned to leave things that are to big for me in the care of God, who made me. The year that I finally overcame the two fears that controlled me and learned one very important lesson. Yes....my unforgettable year of 2016.
I don't "look back" on a year past very often but this year I did. I looked back because this was a special year for me. For some reason it was full of "firsts" for me. Firsts that helped me to become a happier, contented person deep within my self. I'm not saying it was an easy year. It was maybe one of the most difficult years, but sometimes a person learns more about themselves when the skies are cloudy and your way is hid from you, causing you to learn that all you can do is trust, and take the next step in faith.
I will not say that God PLANNED things for me this year, but I do believe that God ALLOWED and God USED life's experiences to help me realize that there were two things in my life that had to be changed, plus one thing I had to learn. Two things that I knew were there, but I didn't realize how much they were controlling me. How much they were holding me bondage. I didn't realize it until my eyes were opened to the damage I was allowing them to do to me. To my thoughts, my heart, my emotions. I didn't realize it until I became free of their ice cold grip on me.
One of those things, was the control I was allowing someone to hold over me. For forty some long years I was allowing their words and comments to flood my mind, making me to think I was nothing. I just couldn't let go for some reason. I guess I thought that someday it would all change. But it didn't and I learned this year that it wouldn't. So with regret in a way, and relief in another way, I let go and said good bye. I chose to close the chapter of our book we were making together, place it upon the shelf of "I wish it would have been different", turned my back and moved on. Sometimes that is all you can do. Just close the book and place it there on the shelf, and move on to better things.
What was scaring me the most in this situation, was my own tongue. Because I felt this way about myself, I was catching myself talking the same way to those close to me. I didn't realize what my words was doing to them. The tongue is a small thing, but it can do damage. Yes it can do damage but if you can be truly happy within yourself, your tongue can become beautiful. It can make someone's world bright with sunshine. But I have learned this year, that you have to find happiness within yourself. Happiness with God. Then you can be someone else's happiness. That is enough said about that fear that I left behind....forever.
The other fear I am talking about was the indescribable fear that I had of hospitals, nursing homes, the wailing siren of an ambulance, the huge word Emergency written across each hospital entrance, and that small little word "faint". All of these held a ice cold grip on my mind. This fear controlled me completely... and I thought forever. But it didn't!! I overcame it!! I overcame it because I saw all of the above in a different light. My whole thinking was changed.
I was working for Hospice. I loved Hospice, and for some unknown reason, I felt comfortable in these situations. Maybe it was because of my overwhelming need to feel needed. I do not get along with cold, cloudy winter days, so I wanted to stay busy in this type of work so I asked my Hospice supervisor if she knew of anywhere else I could do the same work. She suggested the Tammy Walker Cancer Center. She said that they use volunteers like myself to visit with patients and families. I would have to call Gayle at the hospital and she would tell me if there was openings.
I remember the day I called her as if it was yesterday.
"Hello Gayle here."
"Oh yes this is HC and I work for Hospice. I was told that you may be able to use volunteers at the Tammy Walker Cancer Center?"
"Well we don't need anyone there right now but we sure could use someone up in ICU. We are desperate!"
I felt my stomach go somewhere between my feet and down to the cellar. I was sure Gayle could hear my heart thumping on the other end of the line, and feel my hands go clammy, as I asked, "You mean the hospital ICU?"
"Why yes, we are really short on help up there."
My answer was out before I could think. "Oh I'm sorry, I don't do hospitals. I'll call back later and see about Tammy Walker."
"Well ok I'm sorry I couldn't help." And we hung up.
My hand was still on the receiver when my thoughts started their fight inside my head, "You need to call her back right now. You need to accept that job. You know you do. Now just do it."
"No I do not do hospitals. You know I can't do hospitals. I'll faint dead out, you know that. Don't be silly. There is NO way I can do that! No way!"
Have you ever experiences a fear so strong that it controls your every move? A fear that can immobilize you for a time? A fear that makes you worry constantly that something bad is going to happen to you or a loved one? A fear that well.....holds a cold hard grip on your mind and won't let you go?
At the same time you hurt every time you see someone in need but you just can't help. You wish beyond words that you could be there beside the bed of someone, but no....you might faint, and that would be the end of the world. I mean you would never be the same again. So you don't dare go there. NO!
Well I had both! And they were devastating. They were ruining my life, my happiness, and the happiness of my immediate family. Because of my fear, I can see now that I was constantly worried about the safety and happiness of my husband and children and grandchildren. I know it is normal to be concerned about them, but not to the extent that I was. It caused me to be controlling. I didn't know how to deal with these fears. Until this year.
There are three people I want to stop and thank right now. Three people who took hold of my hand and helped me step across the threshold of fear.
To me fear was like a black closed door. It stood there big, ugly, scary, and it seemed to be smiling down at me. It seemed to be saying "Ha I got you right where I want you." That door was closed and it was hiding whatever was behind it. The handle was ice cold and there wasn't anything inviting about opening it up. Every time I would reach for the handle my heart would beat out of my chest, my hands would get sweaty, and those small but destructive words would come strong to my mind. "You will faint. I know it. You will. Then what?" I would hate myself for it but I couldn't help it.
The first person I want to thank is my husband Stan. He was waiting just outside that door of fear the morning that I decided to open it and walk into my first nursing home. He was waiting there with his hand held out, so to speak, and he quietly, calmly went with me that morning. He was there for me, because he looked beyond who I wasn't and loved who I was. He loved me, even if I failed to be perfect. His prayer was that someday, somehow, I would overcome and not be "perfect" but be really happy.
The other ladies, that I want to thank, are my Hospice supervisor Julia, and yes, Gayle. These two ladies were there when I needed them. They were gentle, understanding, and kind. They would not give up on me. They saw potential, when all I saw was failure. I remember the morning I walked into the main waiting room of that huge hospital. Gayle was waiting there with her warm smile.
I don't know what she saw on my face but she reached out her hand and took mine and together we walked to the elevators. She pushed the button beside number three and up we went to the I.CU unit. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt light headed. Gayle's constant chatter and her reassuring hand on my arm, was the only thing that kept me walking, until we reached the volunteers desk. Her voice and the fact that there was a bathroom next door, my way of escape, if needed.
She told Tina, "This is HC and she is our new volunteer for this area. I want her to be with you this morning and you can show her around. I'm sure she will be a great help here for us." At this Gayle gave my arm a squeeze and went back to those elevators. Oh how I wanted to follow! But I turned and together Tina and I started our tour.
She showed me where the coffee area was and the three family waiting rooms. Then she said "Now we will go into the ICU and I will show you where to pick up the list of names every morning......on and on she talked and I just stood there, my hands clammy, my heart doing its mile a minute thing, my mind saying over and over "Your going to faint. I tell you what... your going to faint."
Tina walked up to this little thing on the wall, placed her name tag to it and those huge doors opened and in we walked. I don't know how many times I cleared my throat. I kept hearing myself say. "Now I haven't ever been in here before." It didn't seem like Tina was listening. She just kept walking down those l o n g halls, past those little rooms, and it seemed like we were walking forever and would never get out of there. I walked beside her, my eyes straight ahead. I was not going to look into those rooms. No I was not! I might see something bad. I might faint. How terrible that would be. Faint flat out here in the ICU. I mean what would those monsters do to me? I had to get out of here.....now. Finally those huge doors opened and once again we were outside that ICU. But you know what? I was actually crying inside. Yes I was crying. I did it and I DID NOT faint. I wouldn't listen to those scary words ever again! "You are going to faint. Your going to pass out." I didn't faint so good bye to those lying words. One small victory. I had one small victory over this horrible fear! I was so happy. You can't know what a victory this was. And Tina doesn't know, and will never know what a help, a comfort, a reassurance her presents was that day to me. She was calm, and confident. She visited with me about her son while we worked on a jigsaw puzzle, or made fresh coffee.
You can never know that type of victory unless you have walked is total fear of those words. I mean that little word was so strong in my mind, that it sometimes made it impossible for me to shop at Walmart, or the mall. I hated to be in public because I might "faint" It was very controlling. It held me in bondage.
That late morning, when I walked off that elevator, there was my friend Gayle. "Well I see you made it for four hours up there where you thought your life was going to end. So what do you think?"
I smiled at her and said, "I'm going to do it! I did it once and I can do it again. I know that I will love it because my heart has this beautiful happy feeling right now. You can start giving me days to work up in the ICU and I'll be here."
Do you know what it feels like to be told that everything will be ok after years of horrible fear? Do you know what it feels like to hear a siren scream and your heart hurts for whoever is inside and you want to be there right beside them doing what you can to make them comfortable, because your fear is completely gone? Do you know what it is like to look at a doctor rush to the bedside of a patient, or hear "Code Blue" and you are so thankful that you can have a small part to play in this beautiful place called the hospital, because your fear is completely gone?
Do you know what it feels like to walk up to that little thing on the wall, hold up YOUR name tag, watch those doors swing open and walk down that hall, looking into the rooms wishing you were the nurse standing there, because your fear is completely gone? Do you know what it feels like to sit at the desk of the surgery family room and answer that phone and say "Family room HC specking". You can do this because your fear is completely gone.
Well it has taken me a year. It has taken some very kind, gentle, willing men and women to help me see the beauty just inside that dark, heavy, scary door that I chose to keep closed for so long. But now that I have conquered my fear, life is beautiful. I know that the wailes of a siren, or the huge word Emergency, and that little word faint are nothing to be afraid of. I know because I have seen the beauty of the medical world. I have seen the concern of the doctors and nurses. Their care and gentleness. I know that there would be no better place to "faint" because they are my friends. They will help me. They are not monsters. We have become friends working together for the sake of the patient. The hospital has become "my home away from home."
There is one more thing I learned this year. I attended a grieving class for 13 weeks. In that class we were told that we never should ask that our cross be taken away, but to ask that God would give us the strength to walk through whatever cross comes to us. Because of the surroundings that were present when those words were spoken, they really sunk in. I was surrounded by men and women who had been asked to bear a cross much bigger than I. Those men and women were telling me how they could never make it without the comfort of God. They were telling me that they looked to the Bible for their strength. Those words have come back to me very often. They have been a comfort to me many times. I know that the things that are too hard to bear I can leave them with Jesus. What a comfort!! What peace!!
I know there will be "anniversaries" where I will walk over to that shelf and look at that book I put on the "I wish it would of been different shelf" Or sometimes that "fear" will try to come sneaking back. Or I will hear that word "faint" in the back of my mind, but I can just turn my back and walk away, knowing I did it once and I can do it again.
So I will push the publish button now and send this out to you. Maybe somewhere, someone is waiting. Maybe somewhere, someone needs to know these next few words I will add. You CAN overcome! You CAN have victory! Just make the first step.
But now I don't care. It is time to share. By the help of a miracle, I have come out from under this horrible grip of fear, out from under letting someone make me feel worthless, not only to others but also to God. I will tell my story only because sometimes if you are honest you can help another. Somewhere out there you may be just like I was. Somewhere out there you may be wondering, waiting for a miracle. You may be just like I was, wondering if one will ever come along for you.
Well I don't know if it will. I don't know why mine did. But because it did, I want to share my story. I am ready. It makes me very nervous to write this. In the back of my mind I hear a voice say, "Maybe you should keep it to yourself. Maybe you shouldn't tell the world about you fears." Well maybe I shouldn't but I remember the time that I hoped someone, anyone, would tell me that there was hope of overcoming this horrible fear. So I'm here to hold out hope to someone who may read this. But I am writing this authors note first so that if you do not want to read this you will stop here. Here is my story.
My unforgettable year.....2016. The year that I grew up. The year I let go. The year I really understood what it meant to trust. The year I learned to leave things that are to big for me in the care of God, who made me. The year that I finally overcame the two fears that controlled me and learned one very important lesson. Yes....my unforgettable year of 2016.
I don't "look back" on a year past very often but this year I did. I looked back because this was a special year for me. For some reason it was full of "firsts" for me. Firsts that helped me to become a happier, contented person deep within my self. I'm not saying it was an easy year. It was maybe one of the most difficult years, but sometimes a person learns more about themselves when the skies are cloudy and your way is hid from you, causing you to learn that all you can do is trust, and take the next step in faith.
I will not say that God PLANNED things for me this year, but I do believe that God ALLOWED and God USED life's experiences to help me realize that there were two things in my life that had to be changed, plus one thing I had to learn. Two things that I knew were there, but I didn't realize how much they were controlling me. How much they were holding me bondage. I didn't realize it until my eyes were opened to the damage I was allowing them to do to me. To my thoughts, my heart, my emotions. I didn't realize it until I became free of their ice cold grip on me.
One of those things, was the control I was allowing someone to hold over me. For forty some long years I was allowing their words and comments to flood my mind, making me to think I was nothing. I just couldn't let go for some reason. I guess I thought that someday it would all change. But it didn't and I learned this year that it wouldn't. So with regret in a way, and relief in another way, I let go and said good bye. I chose to close the chapter of our book we were making together, place it upon the shelf of "I wish it would have been different", turned my back and moved on. Sometimes that is all you can do. Just close the book and place it there on the shelf, and move on to better things.
What was scaring me the most in this situation, was my own tongue. Because I felt this way about myself, I was catching myself talking the same way to those close to me. I didn't realize what my words was doing to them. The tongue is a small thing, but it can do damage. Yes it can do damage but if you can be truly happy within yourself, your tongue can become beautiful. It can make someone's world bright with sunshine. But I have learned this year, that you have to find happiness within yourself. Happiness with God. Then you can be someone else's happiness. That is enough said about that fear that I left behind....forever.
The other fear I am talking about was the indescribable fear that I had of hospitals, nursing homes, the wailing siren of an ambulance, the huge word Emergency written across each hospital entrance, and that small little word "faint". All of these held a ice cold grip on my mind. This fear controlled me completely... and I thought forever. But it didn't!! I overcame it!! I overcame it because I saw all of the above in a different light. My whole thinking was changed.
I was working for Hospice. I loved Hospice, and for some unknown reason, I felt comfortable in these situations. Maybe it was because of my overwhelming need to feel needed. I do not get along with cold, cloudy winter days, so I wanted to stay busy in this type of work so I asked my Hospice supervisor if she knew of anywhere else I could do the same work. She suggested the Tammy Walker Cancer Center. She said that they use volunteers like myself to visit with patients and families. I would have to call Gayle at the hospital and she would tell me if there was openings.
I remember the day I called her as if it was yesterday.
"Hello Gayle here."
"Oh yes this is HC and I work for Hospice. I was told that you may be able to use volunteers at the Tammy Walker Cancer Center?"
"Well we don't need anyone there right now but we sure could use someone up in ICU. We are desperate!"
I felt my stomach go somewhere between my feet and down to the cellar. I was sure Gayle could hear my heart thumping on the other end of the line, and feel my hands go clammy, as I asked, "You mean the hospital ICU?"
"Why yes, we are really short on help up there."
My answer was out before I could think. "Oh I'm sorry, I don't do hospitals. I'll call back later and see about Tammy Walker."
"Well ok I'm sorry I couldn't help." And we hung up.
My hand was still on the receiver when my thoughts started their fight inside my head, "You need to call her back right now. You need to accept that job. You know you do. Now just do it."
"No I do not do hospitals. You know I can't do hospitals. I'll faint dead out, you know that. Don't be silly. There is NO way I can do that! No way!"
Have you ever experiences a fear so strong that it controls your every move? A fear that can immobilize you for a time? A fear that makes you worry constantly that something bad is going to happen to you or a loved one? A fear that well.....holds a cold hard grip on your mind and won't let you go?
At the same time you hurt every time you see someone in need but you just can't help. You wish beyond words that you could be there beside the bed of someone, but no....you might faint, and that would be the end of the world. I mean you would never be the same again. So you don't dare go there. NO!
Well I had both! And they were devastating. They were ruining my life, my happiness, and the happiness of my immediate family. Because of my fear, I can see now that I was constantly worried about the safety and happiness of my husband and children and grandchildren. I know it is normal to be concerned about them, but not to the extent that I was. It caused me to be controlling. I didn't know how to deal with these fears. Until this year.
There are three people I want to stop and thank right now. Three people who took hold of my hand and helped me step across the threshold of fear.
To me fear was like a black closed door. It stood there big, ugly, scary, and it seemed to be smiling down at me. It seemed to be saying "Ha I got you right where I want you." That door was closed and it was hiding whatever was behind it. The handle was ice cold and there wasn't anything inviting about opening it up. Every time I would reach for the handle my heart would beat out of my chest, my hands would get sweaty, and those small but destructive words would come strong to my mind. "You will faint. I know it. You will. Then what?" I would hate myself for it but I couldn't help it.
The first person I want to thank is my husband Stan. He was waiting just outside that door of fear the morning that I decided to open it and walk into my first nursing home. He was waiting there with his hand held out, so to speak, and he quietly, calmly went with me that morning. He was there for me, because he looked beyond who I wasn't and loved who I was. He loved me, even if I failed to be perfect. His prayer was that someday, somehow, I would overcome and not be "perfect" but be really happy.
The other ladies, that I want to thank, are my Hospice supervisor Julia, and yes, Gayle. These two ladies were there when I needed them. They were gentle, understanding, and kind. They would not give up on me. They saw potential, when all I saw was failure. I remember the morning I walked into the main waiting room of that huge hospital. Gayle was waiting there with her warm smile.
I don't know what she saw on my face but she reached out her hand and took mine and together we walked to the elevators. She pushed the button beside number three and up we went to the I.CU unit. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I felt light headed. Gayle's constant chatter and her reassuring hand on my arm, was the only thing that kept me walking, until we reached the volunteers desk. Her voice and the fact that there was a bathroom next door, my way of escape, if needed.
She told Tina, "This is HC and she is our new volunteer for this area. I want her to be with you this morning and you can show her around. I'm sure she will be a great help here for us." At this Gayle gave my arm a squeeze and went back to those elevators. Oh how I wanted to follow! But I turned and together Tina and I started our tour.
She showed me where the coffee area was and the three family waiting rooms. Then she said "Now we will go into the ICU and I will show you where to pick up the list of names every morning......on and on she talked and I just stood there, my hands clammy, my heart doing its mile a minute thing, my mind saying over and over "Your going to faint. I tell you what... your going to faint."
Tina walked up to this little thing on the wall, placed her name tag to it and those huge doors opened and in we walked. I don't know how many times I cleared my throat. I kept hearing myself say. "Now I haven't ever been in here before." It didn't seem like Tina was listening. She just kept walking down those l o n g halls, past those little rooms, and it seemed like we were walking forever and would never get out of there. I walked beside her, my eyes straight ahead. I was not going to look into those rooms. No I was not! I might see something bad. I might faint. How terrible that would be. Faint flat out here in the ICU. I mean what would those monsters do to me? I had to get out of here.....now. Finally those huge doors opened and once again we were outside that ICU. But you know what? I was actually crying inside. Yes I was crying. I did it and I DID NOT faint. I wouldn't listen to those scary words ever again! "You are going to faint. Your going to pass out." I didn't faint so good bye to those lying words. One small victory. I had one small victory over this horrible fear! I was so happy. You can't know what a victory this was. And Tina doesn't know, and will never know what a help, a comfort, a reassurance her presents was that day to me. She was calm, and confident. She visited with me about her son while we worked on a jigsaw puzzle, or made fresh coffee.
You can never know that type of victory unless you have walked is total fear of those words. I mean that little word was so strong in my mind, that it sometimes made it impossible for me to shop at Walmart, or the mall. I hated to be in public because I might "faint" It was very controlling. It held me in bondage.
That late morning, when I walked off that elevator, there was my friend Gayle. "Well I see you made it for four hours up there where you thought your life was going to end. So what do you think?"
I smiled at her and said, "I'm going to do it! I did it once and I can do it again. I know that I will love it because my heart has this beautiful happy feeling right now. You can start giving me days to work up in the ICU and I'll be here."
Do you know what it feels like to be told that everything will be ok after years of horrible fear? Do you know what it feels like to hear a siren scream and your heart hurts for whoever is inside and you want to be there right beside them doing what you can to make them comfortable, because your fear is completely gone? Do you know what it is like to look at a doctor rush to the bedside of a patient, or hear "Code Blue" and you are so thankful that you can have a small part to play in this beautiful place called the hospital, because your fear is completely gone?
Do you know what it feels like to walk up to that little thing on the wall, hold up YOUR name tag, watch those doors swing open and walk down that hall, looking into the rooms wishing you were the nurse standing there, because your fear is completely gone? Do you know what it feels like to sit at the desk of the surgery family room and answer that phone and say "Family room HC specking". You can do this because your fear is completely gone.
Well it has taken me a year. It has taken some very kind, gentle, willing men and women to help me see the beauty just inside that dark, heavy, scary door that I chose to keep closed for so long. But now that I have conquered my fear, life is beautiful. I know that the wailes of a siren, or the huge word Emergency, and that little word faint are nothing to be afraid of. I know because I have seen the beauty of the medical world. I have seen the concern of the doctors and nurses. Their care and gentleness. I know that there would be no better place to "faint" because they are my friends. They will help me. They are not monsters. We have become friends working together for the sake of the patient. The hospital has become "my home away from home."
There is one more thing I learned this year. I attended a grieving class for 13 weeks. In that class we were told that we never should ask that our cross be taken away, but to ask that God would give us the strength to walk through whatever cross comes to us. Because of the surroundings that were present when those words were spoken, they really sunk in. I was surrounded by men and women who had been asked to bear a cross much bigger than I. Those men and women were telling me how they could never make it without the comfort of God. They were telling me that they looked to the Bible for their strength. Those words have come back to me very often. They have been a comfort to me many times. I know that the things that are too hard to bear I can leave them with Jesus. What a comfort!! What peace!!
I know there will be "anniversaries" where I will walk over to that shelf and look at that book I put on the "I wish it would of been different shelf" Or sometimes that "fear" will try to come sneaking back. Or I will hear that word "faint" in the back of my mind, but I can just turn my back and walk away, knowing I did it once and I can do it again.
So I will push the publish button now and send this out to you. Maybe somewhere, someone is waiting. Maybe somewhere, someone needs to know these next few words I will add. You CAN overcome! You CAN have victory! Just make the first step.
Congratulations dear cousin,. Enjoy this beautiful world we live in everyday 😊❤
ReplyDelete