The Last Key

There were three things that laid deep in my heart. Three things that laid there closed because I didn't have the key to reach in and unlock their doors. Those three things, that laid there year after year, caused unrest to my very being.

They would holler out to me to please unlock their door and accept them. But I would not listen, because I didn't have the keys.

For some reason someone else held that key. Each of these "someones" or "experiences" came as a surprise to me. I would never have guessed that I would find the key in those situations where I did.

I am 63 years old and finally, three years ago, one of those doors was unlocked. I still don't know who held this key, but I was able to accept my mother's early death, and accept her family's deep love for me. Only a few months ago, my "other special" mother, in her kindness used a key to open the second door. She helped me to see it is ok to talk about my mother. With those doors open, my heart was becoming lighter and not so heavy with its burden.

But there still laid deep in my heart one last door, waiting for the key....waiting for just the right time.

This key came from two different experiences. It came to me from sources I would never have dreamed was possible in a hundred years. I want to share my story. I will share it only because I know from experience that sometimes a person can have something hidden deep inside that hinders them from going forward. Hinders them from accepting something that can bring them deep joy. Until those doors are unlocked, you can only pretend. You smile and love life the best you know how, but after you throw the door completely open....oh the beauty of full acceptance!!

It humbles me very much to tell you who held this last key. I would never have guessed in a million years. I would have never guessed, but I am forever grateful. With this key, my heart is completely open to the true beauties that life holds out to me.

That third door that stood stubbornly closed was the door of accepting myself...accepting who I really am. I am a very strong introvert. I love to be alone. I get very uncomfortable sometimes when I'm in a crowd. My comfort zone is out in nature or just with my husband in our little cozy home.

The whole problem was I could not accept who I was. I always felt that if I was someone else, I could be so much more useful. I was a bit embarrassed. Because when comparing myself with others who could visit with people and feel very comfortable in places that tore me up, I felt I could never be a help to anyone. That was until last Saturday.....

On that bright sunny day, my husband and I sat in the funeral service of a young man. I'm very sure that there were many more there with us who knew him a lot better than I did. But as I sat there quietly listening to his service, my mind went back to the young man I knew.

To me, he was a quiet, kind, caring young man.  Do you ever have a friend that you feel completely comfortable around?  This was how Travis made me feel.   I felt that he accepted me, just the way I was.  He understood me you  might say.   His spirit was so gentle, so quiet.

After the service was over, I stood beside my husband as he visited with some of Travis's many friends. I was amazed when I heard how many different lives that quiet, kind man's life had touched. He had did so much for so many in his beautiful way.

As we stood there, my dear friend slowly took that last key and slowly put it in the lock of my closed door and turned it. He showed to me it's okay to be me. God made me just like He wants me. Don't hide behind your door of nonacceptance. Do for others whatever you can, and do it cheerfully. Slowly, so slowly.....my last door started to open.

Three years ago, I discovered it was easier for me to put my feelings on paper rather than in words. Because of that, I felt that maybe I could help another, and started to "reach out" in my own way. For some reason, it doesn't bother me to share my feelings in this way.

But last night my "enemy" tried to rise up once again. Negative thoughts started to run through my mind like a raging river. They tried to tell me that I share too many of my personal thoughts. Once again that door of accepting who I am wanted to shut tight.

But as I laid there on the couch, a small envelope lay alone out there in our mailbox, unknown to me. My name was written on it. I was so taken up with myself that I had not got the mail.

In the morning, my husband brought in that special little envelope with my name and address on it. I noticed it was from a friend who had never wrote me, nor had I ever written them. I could not imagine why they would write to me.

I stood there reading those words that were just for me and tears rolled down my cheeks, There in that little card, were the words I needed to hear so that once again I could pick up my pen and write. There in those words, my friend had gently handed me the key to help me finish opening that door and accept who I am.

I will admit, it is hard for me to press the "publish" button for this post. Some who read it may say "well don't then. Keep it to yourself." But no... I will press the "publish" button. I will press it for two reasons.

The first being... I want to let the family of my dear friend Travis know that he gave me a special gift in his death. He helped me to accept who I am and to not be scared or ashamed to reach out to others in my own way.

I also want to tell my dear friend, who is fighting a much more serious battle than I, know how much her beautiful words meant to me. Those words of encouragement put a rainbow of hope over my world of writing. If I can in some small measure bring sunshine to her world, I will be happy.

And my final reason I am pushing the "publish" button is that maybe...just maybe...by me sharing my story, I too can have the privilege of holding a key that someone somewhere needs to open a door deep in their being that is holding them back from their soul's true happiness.